Money might not buy happiness, but this week you can purchase UPC code love.
However, true love ain’t cheap — so I’d skip the discontinued items bin.
At its lace-trimmed heart, St. Valentine’s Day is a holiday synonymous with mass-produced affection — whether it be words, flowers, candy or pre-paid cell phone minutes.
Every year would-be Romeos and Juliets search the greeting card racks for just the right valentines. For some, Feb. 14 means pouring out the innermost yearnings of your soul on a blank page. Others simply write “ditto” below prose churned out of Hallmark focus groups.
I personally tend to skip the “doth,” “twane” and rhymes with “nicer” card selections.
Of course if words fail you, there’s always audio valentines. Just make sure you don’t accidently put that cheeky Aerosmith “Love in an Elevator” card in an envelope addressed to your mother.
Well before microchips, legend has it that Saint Valentine passed a “From your Valentine” love note to his jailor’s daughter. he sent his card on the night before he was martyred — talk about setting the bar too high for the rest of us guys.
When it comes to the male species, cupid’s gift-buying arrow often strikes ill-advised targets. like no-fly lists, you don’t want your face associated with these relationship-threatening valentine gifts:
•Gas-station flowers, grocery-store stuffed gorillas and bulk candy. Next to Christmas lint roller presents, nothing says “last-minute panic” like check-out line trinkets. Hey, might as well toss in some scratch-off lottery tickets — at least it gives your gift a chance at redeeming value.
•Gym membership or exercise equipment. your heart might be in the right place with this one, but you’ll come off like another muscle: gluteus maximus. It’s a gift that says, “I love you … you’re perfect … now drop ten pounds.” Valentine’s Day is not the time to point out love handles.
•Household goods (gone bad). Simply put, a vacuum cleaner for Valentine’s Day sucks and blows at the same time.
•Lingerie. A sheer negligee can quickly turn into a sheer disaster if the size is wrong. Too small or too big underwear is the quintessential delicate situation. hopefully you can still find some apology roses on Feb. 15.
•Gift card. perhaps no greater way to succinctly say, “I thought as little as possible, Happy Valentine’s Day.”
This week our daughter will pass out valentines to her second-grade classmates. Thankfully, these are still the “Be-Mine”-super-hero-cards-shoved-into-a-decorated-oatmeal-can years. I don’t think the “unrequited love” multi-packs hit until middle school. then again, what do I know — I’ve been guilty of shopping for UPC code love.